Making on the Dog
I introduce to you, The World, a new phrase: Making on the Dog.
It’s definition will be as follows: to be in a doomed situation beyond your control (though you still try and salvage the situation to no avail) and time slows down while you watch disaster unveil itself before you.
Example: You are vacuuming with one hand, you have a pair of shoes you just picked up in the other hand and you bump into an end table sending your favorite antique tea pot awobble. Time slows down. The tea pot sways to, it sways fro. You know it’s going down. Your hands are full, and though you know it is useless, you try to catch the antique pot with your foot. But in the end all you can do is watch it shatter on the floor. For that moment, you were making on the dog.
Let me tell you how I came up with this new fangled phrase. The squeemish should not read on. Instead just take this new phrase as gospel and spread the word. Continue if you must…
The other night my wife, Miranda Kopfschmertzen came home from her evening class. She began telling me about her day, which on this day included the amusing anecdote about how she came to possess a whoopie cushion. Then she went to retrieve it to show me, so I got up to make a tinkle.
While still make the number one, my wife, Miranda Kopfschmertzen returned and proceeded to inflate the whoopie cushion. Now, those of you who know our dog, The Nudge, know that The Nudge is…well, skittish towards all things, especially those things which make noise. So when my wife, Miranda Kopfschmertzen let fly (artificially, of course), The Nudge made a bee line for his safe place – between the legs of the nearest parent (and thus away from the source of the new and terrifying noise). I was the nearest parent. But as you will recall, my “safe place” was currently in use and no place for a frightened pupsh.
Imagine my horror when I saw my dog, The Nudge dart into the bathroom. I knew exactly were he was heading. Time slowed down. I quickly weighed my options. Stop peeing – not enough time! Re-direct my business – but to where?!, the toilet is where my pee goes! Stop the dog with my foot or hand – but moving could easily result in disastrous aim! But, of course, it was all too late. I was totally in one of those situations…I was making on the dog.
Like when time slows down when I fall down stairs or off the couch? But I guess that is a whole other waxwork.
Is a dog always involved? What if you are Earl and you only have a cat?
So you peed on the fractured teapot? And who had to clean that up? Or is that how the dog is involved?
How does the turtle feel about all of this? Any signs of turtle resentment?
For a brief moment in time…you knew how R. Kelly felt. I just hope The Nudge doesn’t try to repay the favor, thus making on the Lord…
I thought Making on the Dog was a standard practice in the bonding experience with your pets, boy – I guess I read that part wrong!