There Is Hope Yet, Mr. Ford
According to Internet Movie Database (which is a fairly credible source), the fourth Indiana Jones movie is in the works.
Rumors of this movie are as old as the Internet itself. Indeed, I even had a completed “leaked” screenplay at one time. I figured it to be garbage from the get go, but I read it just to see how far the hoax went. It went all the way. Someone put a ton of time into a terribly lame joke. Granted, I have been known to put enormous amounts of time into jokes that may be classified as mildly annoying at best. (For the most part I am out to entertain myself.)
The point is, were I to spend the time to create an entire script as a joke about the new Jones movie, I wouldn’t try an create an honest-to-goodness script as this lad did. Seriously, where is the fun in that. I would have tried to make it seem real for 10-20 pages, then turned it into a supernatural thriller or a sappy chick-flick fraught with hideous cinema cliches like the one dude starting the clapping. All the while I would imagine Harrison Ford performing the ridiculous situations I would devised for him. By 3am and page 80, I might even be convinced I could get Ford to do most of it. Have you seen the crap he’s been doing for the last ten years? (We’ll get to that.)
Actually, that’s not even the point. The point is somewhere in 2006 we are going to be treated to new Jones. If that seems too far off, then remember back to 1997 when we all found out that there were going to be new Star Wars movies. Now look at you! You are only 4 months shy of finishing off the second trilogy, and even Star Wars as we know it. (Truth be told, the Star Wars as we know it actually ended in 1997 when the last original copies of Star Wars were sold. Those of us who wouldn’t believe in its death then were later convinced of its demise via the first horseman of the apocalypse, Jar Jar Binks. But I’ve already explained about the bastard son of Star Wars.)
A possible positive side-affect of this is that Harrison Ford might make a good movie for a change. (Told you, we’d get to this.) Here is a quick rundown of the last decades Harrison offerings: Hollywood Homicide (Plot Outline: Two LAPD detectives who moonlight in other fields investigate the murder of an up-and-coming rap group. Hilarity ensues.), K-19: The Widowmaker, What Lies Beneath, Random Hearts (A.K.A. Gouch Grabbin’), Sabrina… Not that everything he did was bad. I enjoyed Air Force One (totally lame, but with Gary Oldman, totally entertaining). The point is (now here is my point, dude), the good films are only good, never great and the bad films are REALLY bad. So, good luck Herr Ford and God speed. (God’s speed? Godspeed?) Try not to let George Lucas accidentally computer animate you.
For all the women reading this (save for the awesome few). Most of the above might as well been written in Wookie and may have looked like it was anyway. All you need to take away from this is that if you are attached to a man in 2006, you WILL be seeing a movie about this guy named Indiana Jones.
Now let’s get pumped up. The theater darkens…15-20 pass as you watch commercials and previews…your attention wavers in and out as you curse the commercials being there in the first place….$8 for commercials? Bastards!….wait, what are we seeing?….CHRIST ON HIS CRUTCH, I am here for the new Indiana Jones movie…The LucasFilm logo comes up, you get a bit giddy….LucasFilm fades away and the Paramount mountain peak logo appears (though, the Dreamworks Logo may come up too)…the Paramount peak turns into some kind of other real life peak…tears peak out of the corners of your eyes…our favorite adventure music swells…BUH BUH DA BUM! BUM BUH DAAAAAH!