Good News for the Bug Squeamish

Super Gross Bug - House CentipedeIf you are the kind of person who thinks “glah glah glah!” when House Centipedes appear, then think “glah glah glah!” no more! The fine folks at Hammacher Schlemmer have the solution to your creepy crawly nightmares. I give you – The “Keep Your Distance” Bug Vacuum!

“This cordless insect vacuum quickly captures bugs from up to 2′ away. Flies, bees spiders and other insects are suctioned by a 22,400 rpm motor, sending the insect through a one-way valve in the extension tube to an electric grid in the handle that instantly kills the pest. The extension tube removes to place dead bugs in the garbage, shutting off the electric grid in the process to protect curious fingers from electrical shocks or burns.”

I wish I could take credit for:

a) Authoring The “Keep Your Distance” Bug Vacuum’s hilarious description on Hammacher Schlemmer (excerpt quoted above).

b) Inventing a device that is so adventurously torturous to insects, yet so thoughtfully benign to even the most idiotic human user. Its death-mechanics are as intricate as those a Bond villain would devise to dispose of 007 himself.

“Do you expect me to talk?”

“No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to get suctioned into this over-sized vacuum cup, then wing through the one-way vacu-tube and finally incinerate on the oversized electro-grill. Luckily my scientists have constructed this device so that when my henchmen dispose of your charred carcass, the electro-grid will automatically shut off, thus preventing unnecessary loss of any hired muscle.”

Bond would no doubt get sucked in to the vacuum, pass through the one-way tube, but stop himself from being electrocuted by quickly putting his socks on his hands to prevent contact with the electro-grid-grill. No doubt this footage will be shown in sped-up-film-action a la the Thunderball boat sequence, and you will ask yourself, “Did he just put his socks on his hands? But his shoes are still on!” Then Bond will play possum while also disarming the safety feature that shuts off the elelctro-grill-grid. When the thugs come to remove his body – ZAP! Three thugs down.

I hope that when you are imagining this scenario, you are imagining any Bond other than Roger Moore. I hope this, not because he was the worst Bond ever, but because I think his head would be too tall and body too long to fit through the length of the vacu-tube portion of the “Keep Your Distance” Superspy Vacuum device.

But alas, I can not take credit for the description nor the device.


  1. Max von Fischgeist on 9 November 2007 at 11:28 am

    I was not picturing Moore until you mentioned him… and then it became all the more hilarious. No doubt using the bug vacuum is all in the wrist.

  2. Max von Fischgeist on 11 November 2007 at 12:31 pm

    If anyone heads over to the Hammacher Schlemmer site, be sure to check out item 74795 as it will undoubtedly come in very handy.

  3. Anastasia Beaverhausen on 11 November 2007 at 6:11 am

    This is definitely going on my Christmas list!

  4. Miranda on 12 November 2007 at 10:09 am

    In reagrds to item #74795, I can only laugh while picturing John Cleese as Archie Leach in A Fish Called Wanda – as he is the only barrister I know. All half-nude dancing in other people’s homes should be done while reciting Russian.

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