First In Line* and I Am the Nerd?

As you may have noticed with my clever Cinema Viewing sidebar, I have seen Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith, the final/third Star Wars installment. I will spare you my review of it (totally awesome) as I couldn’t say it any better than Kevin Smith (scroll down, I assure you it’s there).

But here’s the asterisk of the whole Star Wars thing. And before I begin, let it be known that this is my version of how these events occurred. My wife, Miranda Kopfschmertzen, will surely dispute them…but she is wrong. This is the true story how my wife, Miranda Kopfschmertzen, is a bigger Star Wars fiend than I.

Many moons ago (just over four years ago), my wife, Miranda Kopfschmertzen, and I were living in our apartment. As was our usual custom, we were falling asleep watching movies. On this particular night we were watching Empire Strikes Back (my personal fav). And as is also our custom, my wife, Miranda Kopfschmertzen, was asleep before the FBI warning had finished. Just after the “I love you!”/”I know,” scene, my wife, Miranda Kopfschmertzen, stirs into semi-wakefullness and says, “Star Wars is the greatest movie ever.” And, like Han only moments before, I can only confirm what is so obvious, “I know.”

But it didn’t end with that. She continues, “No. NO! You don’t get it. I am not saying just for our generation, but for all time.” I was slightly miffed. She may have only been partially awake, but to dare say that I didn’t give Star Wars proper respect…well, that was downright treason! But with that, she went back into hibernation. (She will deny this ever happed. But who is she to judge? I was the one who was awake.)

Flash forward to last week. I purchased tickets to the 7 p.m. showing of Revenge of the Sith on Thursday, thinking I would cleverly beat the crowds to the lines. (Since it was a weekday and I didn’t have to wait until 5 to get out of work.) It seems I was too clever. When I got there (about 4), not only was there no line, the theater employees had not even set up the ropes to queue the lines. I felt somewhat lame. So we went to the Hawaiian joint nearby and got some pre-show snacks.

By 5 we were done eating and there was still no line. We stood by the ticket booth for a few minutes looking the posters for coming attractions. (Get ready for another Deuce Bigalow America!) And then I spotted a Star Wars dork at 10 o’clock, 200 yards out – MARK! I pointed her out to my wife, Miranda Kopfschmertzen. (She had given herself away with the George Lucas t-shirt and portable chair. Not very good camouflage for urban travel. Although, if ever there was a time when one could successfully raise one’s freak flag (TMBG), Star Wars premiere day was it.) She promptly whipped out her portable chair and started her own line. We ambled over, made some quasi-funny quip about starting the line and queued behind her. Then my wife, Miranda Kopfschmertzen, leaned over and whispered to me, “Just for the record, we were first.” I laughed. I looked over at her. She wasn’t joking. I stopped laughing.

With two hours still to spare I was desperate for something to entertain us. I decided we needed a small Starbucks to tide us over until the movie and ensure our wakefulness. (When did Starbucks become a noun anyway?) Although, I did not know where the nearest location was, I was confident I would find one in no time. I was right. It was in the shopping strip across the drive. When I returned to the theater, the line for the 7 p.m. showing had moved to the other side of the building. Only when I got there, the people order had changed to: a small group of boys, Lucasfan #1 and then my wife, Miranda Kopfschmertzen.

My wife, Miranda Kopfschmertzen, filled me in on the details of what went down. It seems one of the theater lackies came over to let Lucasfan #1 and my wife, Miranda Kopfschmertzen, know that the line for the 7 p.m. showing was forming elsewhere. And apparently, Lucasfan #1 made a big stink about how she was first in line, and that the line to the midnight showing the previous evening (which she attended) started where she was sitting. The theater lackey used some sort of Jedi mind trick to convince her to move. But, after getting in the real line, she called a bunch of friends to come and bought a bunch of tickets for them. Now she was jabbering on the phone to some other friend far, far away about how she was going to take them to see Revenge of the Sith in two weeks and to be sure to watch the first two before she got there.

So then my wife, Miranda Kopfschmertzen, turns to me and says, “I don’t mind being second in line, even though we should be first, but I DO NOT want to be second in line to her. She is not a real fan, and now she is squatting for a bunch of her non-fan friends! I’ll bet you ten bucks she owns those lame Ewok Adventure DVDs.”

My wife, Miranda Kopfschmertzen, was spitting mad. However, she is totally right: Anyone who owns the Ewok Adventure DVDs for any reason other than having it given to them as a joke gift, is clearly missing what makes Star Wars awesome. But with this, my wife, Miranda Kopfschmertzen, has given herself away. I am obviously a huge Star Wars fan. But I think my wife, Miranda Kopfschmertzen, takes the space cake. (Though she will disagree…but she will still be wrong.)