Ew and Double Ew

Squeamish readers beware – the following is not for the light of stomach.

Today I had a crack-like hankerin’ for Fritos (Scoops) around 2.30 pm. So, I hopped on my trusty tandem bike and set off to the Rite-Aid around the corner (conveniently located for all your crack-like needs).

En route to said Rite-Aid, I saw The Creepy. From the distance it was just some lady yelling at some kid. A mother and child by the looks of it. However, as I came ever closer, many things, many haunting things, came into focus.

First, from about 50 yards or so, it was clear that the yelling lady had hideously fake boobs. Ew. (It wasn’t that I was trying to look and make all the judgments you must. However, when I present my evidence, I am confident you will believe that I did not want to see this.*)

And here is the part that really disturbed me/turned my stomach. The closer I got, the clearer their words got. At one auspicious point I heard the lady say, “Quit upsetting your grandma.” Double Ew! Imagine if your grandmother was equipped with such augmentation. That poor kid. No wonder he was giving Grandma a hard time.

It must be noted though that this scene did not gross me out enough to deter me from obtaining my precious Scoops. On the contraty, it sent me straight for comfort food to cleanse me of this Pure Evil which I bore witness. Scoops achieved!

*If it pleases the court, I would like to present to the court the following evidence. Evidence that would cause anyone to turn one’s head and think to one’s self, “Dear God, NO!” despite all attempts of eye aversion. Exihibit A: Excessive Cleavage. Your honor, this lady could have fit a third fake boob in the space between her two current fake boobs. I saw three boobs once via prosthetics in “Total Recall” on one of the mutants, and as much as a dude should dig on an extra teeter, this was over the line. Gross! Exihibit B: Contradictory Nipples. Your honor, her creepy nipples could not have disagreed more. One pointed to true North and the other insisted on magnetic North. How was a simple passer-by to know which direction to travel?

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