Conspiracy of Gas

Anyone hoping this is going to be a light-hearted piece on flatulence should stop now, lest ye be sorely disappointed.

I had to buy petrol this morning and, like the last few times, it was a gut wrenching experience. My meager gallons are topping off somewhere near $30 and I am buying the cheap stuff. I nearly left in tears. My whole life is revolving around trying to never ever buy gas. I rarely drive over 40 miles per hour, unless on the freeway (which I avoid at all costs), thus keeping my RPMs below 3000. I am testing Kramer’s theory about how long one can drive a car once the gas gauge indicates “empty.” I choose not to go out to places that require driving. Las Barcas is becoming my second home. Thank Jack Lord I happen to have such a glorious restaurant within walking distance. Mass Transit, stay at bay not too long.

So here are my few conspiracy theories regarding the gas price A bomb:

1. OPEC has a Dr. Evil-like plan for world destruction: With gas prices nearly doubled, and if there are others like me, we are limiting our mobility causing a halting commercial consumption to the point of all businesses going out of business, hence world chaos.

2. Dick Cheney’s “1984” Plan: Dick Chaney is secretly bent on preventing American from travelling (especially abroad) until America is informationally self-contained. Then he will establish the Ministry of Information and start enforcing thought crimes at a rate that will make McCarthyism look like elementary school taunting. We will then become his mock slave labor force that he will use to win construction/engineering contracts elsewhere in the world, unbeknownst to us drones. The last phase of his plan will be to acquire enough money to be able to have a room in his house that is a money filled swimming pool that he can do laps in, just like Richie Rich.

3. More Gas Station Improvements: Before the latest Iraq war broke out, there was an odd surge in gas prices. Gas was steady at around a clam and a half. Then out of nowhere all prices jumped to two bucks for about two months. Then with no explanation, the prices returned to the dollar and a half level. But, and this is the cruncher, suddenly all gas stations went under construction for improvements. Coincidence? Absolutely not. All gas stations are now going to be equipped with a Starbucks and a nail salon.

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