As you all may know, one of my three favorite magazines is The Surfer’s Path. It only comes once every two months, or bimonthly for the lingo savvy, so when it comes it is a precious event.
(Interesting side-bar about “bimonthly.” It can mean either “every two months” or “twice montly.” Is anyone else outraged by this? Would not semimonthly better serve the definition of “twice montly?” Imagine your abject bewilderment when your boss tells you that paychecks are bimonthly. You expect a check every couple of weeks, but (bwa bwa bwa bwaaaaaah horns) you only get paid every other month. Now THAT is a failure to communicate. Start your writing campaign to Webster today!)
The super awesome thing about The Surfer’s Path is that it is the world first consistent “green magazine.” (It is printed on 100% post-consumer recycled paper and uses non-GMO soy-based inks.) Due to this, I have never been able to bring myself to throw an issue away. But lo, my wife, Miranda Kopfschmertzen, found someone to pass them on to, thus saving the Earth even more.
Recently the May/June issue arrived. I set out the old issue for my wife, Miranda Kopfschmertzen, to take to The Second Reader. Only in the confusion that is all the stuff on our kitchen table (used for anything but eating dinner) she accidentally took the latest issue to The Second Reader. Oh crushing blow. But my wife, Miranda Kopfschmertzen, realizing this had happened, went over to Barnes and Noble and picked up a replacement copy for me. (Super sweet of her to do that.) Sadly, B&N had not yet received the latest issue of The Surfer’s Path. And so, my wife, Miranda Kopfschmertzen, unknowingly replaced my May/June issue with the old March/April…which I still had my copy of. Oh crushing second blow.
My wife, Miranda Kopfschmertzen, offered to go back again to B&N, but at this point we were living a scene from Faulty Towers and were only serving the ever-observing aliens by continuing.
However, last weekend we happened to be heading near B&N, so I grabbed the bag and the receipt and figured I’d check to see if the latest issue was in. And oh happy day, it was indeed in. So, I grabbed a copy and queued for the cash wrap. It was only when it was my turn at the register that it finally dawn on me. I AM TRYING TO EXCHANGE A MAGAZINE!
I quickly flashed back to my years working at B. Dalton’s. Nope. No memory of ANYONE EVER trying to exchange a magazine. I was put though some super retarded scams and some crazy lame stories, but never ever a magazine exchange.
And so, all I had were three chords and the truth. I held my head up marched up to Mr. Register Man and explained my story in great detail; complete with hand gestures and sound effects. He simply replied, “Well…we don’t usually exchange magazines, but I am sure we can make an exception for this,” he paused. His expression shifted slightly from sympathy to distress. “But I will need a receipt.”
Poor guy. He was worried that after all my trials I had not come prepared with a receipt. My friends, I worked at B. Dalton’s. I had my receipt. I was prepared for this very eventuality. You can call me Books.
I now have the May/June issue of The Surfer’s Path. Barnes and Noble now has my mark. They did me a solid. One corporation giant to a brother.