Yesterday I received my license renewal notice from the DMV. Normally, all they want from me is some cash which I begrudgingly send in. But this time for some reason they want to see me in person. This is an intolerable option. The renewal notice recommends that I call for an appointment. So contrary to my usual procrastination, I call the DMV this morning to make said appointment.
I spend 5 minutes going through bilingual menus. (I am not opposed to multi-lingual America. Truth be known, I am all for it. Anyone who can only speak one language is forever at a disadvantage. However, if option one of the telephone menu is “Press 1 for English, Press 2 for Spanish” and I press one, why are all the subsequent menus presented in both languages?) After a grueling selection process, I finally got the point where I was put on hold to speak to a representative.
During the hold process I heard commercials. Not music, not information about the DMV, not an explanation on how to register…but real adverts for movies, medicine and the lot. I suppose that is one way to help pay the bills, but sure I did not like it. Every now and again (between commercials) Roz from “Monsters, Inc.” would come on and remind me to make sure I had my driver’s license out for reference. 10 minutes went by. Roz kept up the reminder. 20 minutes went by. At this point I started thinking, I could have waited through the damn line at the DMV in 20 minutes (on a good day).
Finally, Lady comes on the horn and asks me what my business is. I explain about the license renewal and ask for an appointment and indicate which DMV I would like to go to. She say, “There are not appointments available for the next 30 days.” I say nothing because, well…I don’t know what to say. That is not entirely true. Several ideas did come to mind, but I did not voice them. She correctly took my silence to mean “I’m afraid that is not going to work for me, see, because I just got my renewal notice yesterday and my license expires in three weeks.” She offered me this alternative: a different DMV (20 miles away) on December 29. “Oooooh, yeah. That is still not helpful to me.” Again many ideas of what to say came to my tongue, but none passed my lips. I, with amazing calm, asked, “Is there anything available at any of the closer DMVs?” (There are at least three that are closer than the one she offered) She answered, “They don’t take appointments.”
The shear ludicrousness of this situation dictated that I had to remove myself from the moment directly. So I said, again with professional calm, “Well, it took me over 20 minutes to talk to you and only 1 to find out that this was a total waste of time. It seems I will now have to go down to the DMV and wait in what is sure to be an outrageous queue. Thank you for all the advanced notice of my renewal and incredible upkeep of your well oiled operation.” She replied, “Is there anything else I can help you with sir?” It was sweet of her to ask. She was so helpful.
Bastards! Where do my tax dollars go?!