Crucial Life Lessons from "Thunderball"

While waiting for “I’m with Busey” (currently the world’s finest television show) to come on I enjoyed the first hour of the fourth James Bond film installment, “Thunderball”. Though I have seen it countless times before, there are always new lessons to be learned from this moving picture’s first hour.

1. Jet Pack – If you are ever chasing a suspected bad guy or evil organization member, be sure to have a Bell Jet Pack (with safety helmet) waiting for your daring escape in the place where you will fight this evil organization member (though at the time of setting up this jet pack for escape, you must certainly have no idea that the chase will wind up there at all).

2. “Did you faint?” – If you are speaking to someone on the phone and the person on the other end of the phone suddenly goes quiet, the first thing you should inquire to is if this person has fainted with a question like “James, did you faint?”. Because if they do not respond, as a fainted person would not, you will know they have fainted and thus the call is concluded. You may rightfully hang up at this point.

3. Fake Death. If you ever need to stage your faux death and its ensuing funeral, it is a good idea to dress up as your own widow and attend your funeral rather than have your actual widow attend said funeral. However, take great pains to not make any gender induced mistakes as this will easily tip off your pursuer that you are not your actual widow, but rather yourself dressed in drag to appear as your widow.

4. Evil Organization Expectations. SPECTRE expect nothing short of honesty, discipline and integrity from their members. Also you are a world class criminal, when in an evil organization the organization expects you to behave with the utmost honesty and integrity. Do not try foolish scams like imbezelment or thievery because a proper evil organization, though based on such principles, will not tolerate such tomfoolery within its ranks and will surely detect it and have an elaborate plan to eliminate you in front of the other members; thus making an example of you and your silly schemes.

5. Voluptuous Women. Beware the advances and guiles of voluptuous women. Often these women are far out of your league as the back of your mind is sure to tell you all the while. If such a female shows interest in you, sure it is for a particular purpose and that purpose is never your happiness and well being. One day you will have you door called upon only to find that the person calling on your door is you. This other self will spray death gas on you, thus eliminating you to help further the evil organizations carefully plotted plan. (However, if you find youself in this situation, as you probably will because we all know better than to listen to the voice of reason when voluptuous women are involved, a simple way to avoid said death gas is to put a handkerchief or other cloth over your nose and mouth. Once your breating areas are covered you may move about the death gas cloud freely. I would assume the evil organization henchmen have a contingency plan for this should you prove yourself to be so clever, but I can not advise how to avoid this Plan B as it is not taught in the first hour of “Thunderball”. All I can say is have your wits about you and be ready.)

6. When in the employ of an evil organization as a contractor, never attempt execute your own personal plan of extortion. For a properly assembled evil organization is far more powerful than the individual and will surely not stand for your ridiculous ruse. Take what money they offer you and play along according to their rules. Break those strict rules (see number four) and you will be forsaken by the evil organization leading to either non-payment or death.

Tune in next week for the second half’s life lessons!