The cable guy came on Wednesday to fix my “no channels above 100” problem. He was a little dude in his mid fifties with wiry hair and a chiclet smile. My cable guy is awesome.
There are two reasons this dude was awesome. (But I will have to tell you about his awesomeness out of chronological order. Otherwise, this paragraph will be riddled with all my “A” material leaving me with my “B” stuff to try and pull off a miraculous finale.) So, when we went to the ailing television, we passed by my DVD collection which he briefly perused (can you peruse briefly?). He made a few positive noises at certain selections and then complemented me on my collection*. When the visit was nearly complete and we were testing my lost channels, we came upon “Chinatown.” (If you have not seen Chinatown, let me first scold you for not making haste in seeing this film and second assure you that Chinatown is awesome.) What made the cable guy awesome is that we both knew that Chinatown was awesome and engaged in a 15 minute conversation on just how awesome Chinatown is. It was a lively discussion.
The second reason my cable gouda is awesome is that he had forethought and consideration for others enough to ensure that he would not present his butt crack to others while inspecting the television and cable line…as service people are so apt to do. How did he achieve this, you may ask. And I compliment you on this perceptive question. He achieved “no-crack” with the cunning use of his jockey underpants elastic band. You see, by tucking both his shirt and undershirt firmly into the waistband of his underpants, he ensure that no amount of backside would be presented while in any manner of prone position. Granted this method is not without fault. The downside of tucking everything into your underpants is that when you do bend over, you underwear tends to ride up to the middle of you back. But I’ll take BVDs over crack any day (whether that crack is someone’s crevasse or powdered cocaine). Not to worry however. Pioneering new technology takes plenty of trial and error and I am sure this technology will be available to the masses in the very near future. And then we will never have to look at anyone’s thong ever again. Please, oh please.
*You don’t have to complement me on my DVD collection, pal! I know it is awesome. It contains “The Devil’s Rain.” Seriously, when Ernest Borgnine, William Shatner and John Travolta are all in a movie together, and when some other nameless dudes get together and put that movie on DVD and when you make a point to go out and purchase that movie for yourself or a friend… Well then your DVD collection is awesome.